I Need My Vice.

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I think it has become pretty obvious that when you don’t hear from me, everything must be going pretty well. This blog has evolved into a vice for me to either vent when things aren’t good or to show off when I’m proud of something I’ve accomplished. Although I can’t say I haven’t exactly accomplished anything in these past several months. Since my last post we have moved to and nicely settled in to a lovely new condo. I have helped nurse my 100 year old grandmother back to health after a bout of shingles. I managed to deal with the death of my father and manage all the issues that arise from such a loss. I slowly started to accept the fact that my career was over since it would take a trip back to university to reinstate my nursing licence as I have been off on sick leave for so long and, was able to keep myself busy with assorted hobbies and life tasks while successfully convincing myself that I was healthy and feeling good. Well that party is over. Continue reading

Still Colouring in the Zen Zone.

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I’m trying to start an art journal but am lacking artistic inspiration so I’m starting with “Zen Colouring”. It’s colouring for grown-ups and is apparently quite a trend at the moment. It allows you to be creative with colour without having to come up with the drawing or the subject. Hopefully it’ll provide a little Zenspiration!

Who Knew You Could Fail Group Therapy?

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I have my last session of group CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) this week and I haven’t exactly been a star student. Everyone else seems to be thriving on the work being done and most have had great insight into what may have had them stuck in a rut of negative thinking but it turns out I’m not that easy to convince. Que’ll surprise. Continue reading

Just Doodling.

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If you have read my previous posts you will know that I have a lot of time on my hands and i just can’t seem to get into some of the hobbies I used to enjoy. Then my sister-in-law and I went away to Cuba for a week and she introduced me to a whole new creative outlet…art journaling! It requires doing a little something artistic everyday and testing out your creative juices in many different types of media. From watercolours (I can’t paint) to sketching (I can’t draw either…no really…I mean stick people, that’s it). Along with a little original artwork, you can add anything that catches your fancy that day…magazine picture, ticket stub…you name it and you can add it. Mind you…as long as it fits into the agenda you are using. I’m using a 5×8 Moleskine. You stick in an envelope for every month and you can add all your tidbits there. It encourages you to throw a little creativity into your day and venture outside of your artistic comfort zone. This is a very big leap for me because as much as I love books, art, collages and such, I have never been comfortable holding a pencil crayon never mind a paint brush. But just to get the ball rolling, I decided to doodle a few Zentangles over watercolour base that I painted. The result is the pic above. If you’ve never heard of Zentangles…as I hadn’t…it’s just a way of doodling and drawing and finding your creative ‘zone’. You don’t have to be an artist…just go with the flow. There are tons of books out there on Zendoodling and art journaling…check out Amazon. My two favourites are Zenspirations and No Excuses Art Journaling. If you are already into this or just inspired to check it out please drop me a line…I’d love to hear your ideas and I’ll need all the encouragement I can get!

Boy, Did I Get Told.

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With all my whimpering and whining lately, it never occurred to me to question why my brief hiatus with depression was just that…brief. I had assumed that with the success last fall of a new medication that i would stay on track for quite a while…years even…so when I recently started to seriously backslide, I couldn’t begin to express my disappointment and frustration. There was no way I could go back there…especially so soon. It just wasn’t fair. I had tried so hard and given up so much only to end up back where I was when I started. What was so seriously wrong with me that my depression was so treatment resistant? Why the hell did I deserve this? Turns out I was looking for the problem in the wrong place.

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What Makes Me So Special?

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Is it just me or does anyone else who is dealing with depression give everybody but themselves the empathy, patience and understanding that should be afforded to all who suffer from this debilitating illness? Why do I place a stigma on myself when I allow others to be considered “genuinely sick”? That’s the question that has come up time and time again with several professionals that I see on a regular basis and seems to be the root of my core belief that I am a failure. Despite the fact that I’m a health care professional (make that WAS a health care professional) and am completely aware that depression is an illness just like any other, I have thrust upon myself the judgement that I have failed at life because I did not rise above this current bout and should be considered less of a person because of it. We truly are our own worst enemies. Continue reading